Bathrooms and Broken Logic
by Koyan the Wanderer
Summary: There are many things one might expect to see upon stumbling into their own bathroom. For Naruto, it would not be strange to see an overflowing trash receptacle, a stained shower curtain, or even a towel draped over the back of his toilet. That morning, as he staggered through the doorway to the room that held his porcelain throne, Naruto saw all of these things... And more.


There are many things one might expect to see upon stumbling into their own bathroom. For Naruto, it would not be strange to see an overflowing trash receptacle, a stained shower curtain, or even a towel draped over the back of his toilet. That morning, as he staggered through the doorway to the room that held his private throne, Naruto saw all of these things.

Yet there was something different that particular morning.

He yawned, trying desperately to work his eyes open. Why, in Kami's name, was the light in his bathroom so damn bright? His eyes had spent the past 7 hours studying the various depths of darkness behind the folds of his eyelids, unfocused and unstrained; there was no way he'd be able to work them open in such bright conditions. With a blind hand, Naruto felt around for the light switch, walking like a zombie in search of his next meal. After some awkward maneuvering, he found the switch.

Funny, he didn't remember it being that far away.

He banished the offending light away with a flick of the tiny toggle, and breathed a sigh of relief as he opened his eyes. Right. He could brush his teeth in the dark until his tired eyes were used to taking in light again. With a groan, the tired blonde slowly turned both the cold and hot water faucets of his sink, finding that perfect equilibrium of temperature, before splashing his face.

With the light turned off, he couldn't see his own reflection well, but it'd have to do. Naruto stared at his distorted doppelgänger, judging his appearance with difficulty. Something in the mirror seemed to briefly sparkle, grabbing his attention for only a second.

_Words. _He thought.

He grabbed his orange handled toothbrush, noting the caked on toothpaste that coated the bristles with disgust. Checklist item number 295: Buy a new pack of orange handled toothbrushes, preferably the ones with the tongue scratcher on the other side. He didn't ever use the tongue scratcher, of course. He doubted anybody ever did. But it was practical if he ever decided to scratch the back of his tongue.

He shook as much of the dry toothpaste off the brush, before layering more of the stuff on the end of it. It was that kind of toothpaste that whitened teeth so well, they apparently didn't have room to add flavor to the stuff. In other words, it tasted like shit. The blonde preteen grimaced as he scrubbed the night's built up plaque away from his pearly white enamel, using his tongue to identify where he needed to brush. He was a practiced veteran of brushing his teeth in the dark. A skill earned from many difficult mornings of brushing with a lifeless light bulb.

Checklist item number 186: Buy new pack of light bulbs. Maybe he'd splurge and get one of those new ones with that odd swirly shape.

A bit of color flashed behind him in the mirror, nearly going unnoticed to the newly minted shinobi.

_That was green._ He correctly identified the color without much thought.

Wait.

What?

He quickly turned around to look at the normally vacant wall adjacent to the doorway. There, floating like a puppet on hung strings, were large, green, translucent, **glowing** words he'd never expected to see floating in his bathroom… Or floating anywhere, for that matter. Naruto's orange handled toothbrush with the rubber tongue scraper clicked near-silently on the floor, forgotten under the majesty of these new, shiny words.

**«MAIN MENU»**

XxXxX

**«Bathrooms and Busted Logic»**

_«Chapter 1: New, Shiny Words»_

XxXxX

It took Naruto's brain approximately 5.78 seconds to reboot, but despite the impressive display of processing power, the boy's body was already at work. After 3 seconds of admiring these alien words floating in his bathroom, the blonde had already shot forward to study such an interesting enigma. In other words, it was new, shiny, and in his bathroom. That meant it was his. So he just needed to figure out what his new, floating, green words were and what they were for. Not that it wasn't kind of cool to have a pair of words floating in his bathroom. Other people had nightlights. He had floating, green words.

Without even a thought towards personal preservation, Naruto's fingers brushed lightly against the letter **"N"**, before his entire world seemed to swirl away in a display of bright, beautiful colors.

And then he was once again standing in his bathroom. But this time, under the words «**MAIN MENU»**, there were 6 new ones, arranged neatly in vertical fashion.

**Main Menu**

**[Load Game]**

**[Save Game]**

**[Options]**

**[Extras]**

Naruto couldn't help but gape in absolute rapture. Now, it seemed like he had 8 shiny, green words floating in his bathroom. His body began shivering in excitement as he thought of what he could do with such a thing. And then, all the excitement he'd gathered was suddenly extinguished like a Praying Mantis in a bug zapper; that is, slowly, painfully, and with high risk of popping in a bright display of scarlet hues.

"What can I do with floating words, anyways?" he asked aloud, not bothering to present himself an answer. It was a well-documented rule that, while one could talk to themselves without being accused of madness, answering your own questions aloud was a sure way of being institutionalized. So he remained silent.

Contrary to popular belief, while not the brightest of his age group, Naruto was at least slightly above average when it came to logical thought. So, he voiced his second question.

"What does it mean by _Game?"_

Obviously, two of the options held the word… But what Game was it referring to? Like Hopscotch or some other game that civilian -Naruto felt the rush of pride at the ability to call someone else a civilian- children played? He shook his head, confused.

So he looked at the words that came before **«Game»**. There was the word **«Load»,** which suddenly brought on a shiver as he thought about his first _mission_ that he'd received the day before. Loading manure into a cart had not been fun at all.

The next word was **«Save». **Saving was good, wasn't it? Like… Iruka-sensei saving him from Misuki, or the Hokage saving the village… Naruto wanted to be the Hokage, so…

His finger was already sliding across the alien surface of the letter "**S**", when the world swirled once again… Before he was once again facing the words in his darkened bathroom. He opened his mouth t-

**«Game Saving… Please Wait»**

His room shook, like an earthquake had hit it. No, the _entire __**WORLD**_ was shaking. He felt something slam against the back of his head. A piece of drywall? Blue eyes turned up, and witnessed something… Unimaginably frightening.

Above him… Was the early morning sky. Fractured. Like a broken mirror.

This, in itself was slightly unnerving in its own way. Having to pay for repairs would be horrible for a poor Genin such as himself. And having to pay for breaking the sky would definitely hurt his pocket.

No, it was frightening because he was _on the third floor of ten. _

_HE BROKE LOGIC. NOW HE HAD TO PAY FOR THE REPAIRS._

"Where the fuck are the other floors?" he swore. Loudly. Yet his voice barely rose above the sound of _the entire world being shaken to its core._

Then, as sudden as it began, it ceased.

**«Game Saved»**

Everything was at should be. His orange handled toothbrush was lying on the cold tile floor, trying in vain to scrub the nonexistent plaque off the floor, despite its inability to act on its own. The bathroom door was wide open, leaking light into the darkness of his bathroom. And that beautiful, alien script hung lifelessly to the left of his bathroom door.

"R-right… Let's never save the _game_ again… It can save its own ass, I'm not paying for breaking logic." he muttered, knowing full well how insane he sounded.

His understanding had grown slightly in the previous 4 minutes. These 4 phrases consisted of the main menu, he guessed, as touching the words had brought him here. Saving the game… Did something, but he didn't want to press that again if it broke logic of all things. So that left him with «**Options»**, and **«Extras»**…

Because there was no way he'd press **«Load Game»** if its brother did… _That._

He chose **«Options».**

By now, he'd grown used to the sudden lurch and colorful display of lights. He stood straight and did his best to ignore the attractive lightshow around him.

**Options**

**Tool tips - Off**

**Achievements – Off**

**Autosave - Off**

**Difficulty**** [Locked]**

Confusion gave way to curiosity. Whatever these words were attempting to accomplish, they certainly wouldn't be able to do so while turned off… So he did what any curious soul would have done. He turned them on.

**Hi there!**

The words seemed to type themselves out in front of him, all in that intoxicating green script.

"Wha- Who the fuck said that?" Naruto all but screeched as his hand moved towards his kunai pouch… The pouch that was sitting on his dresser, and wasn't on his leg. He scowled.

**This is the Tool Tip system! Messages like these will appear on various occasions to give helpful advice!**

The voice that accompanied the words sounded loosely male, but tinged with a mechanical type of sound. It was rather disturbing. Like the words being spoken weren't actually words, just sounds. Sounds that just so happened to be identical to spoken words.

The voice was also very chipper.

The bastard.

The green text slowly dissipated into the cool, bathroom scented air. Bathroom, he noted, tended to smell rather bad. He'd have to scrub this one to get rid of the smell. Great.

Checklist item number 476: Scrub bathroom.

And then the 7 alarms designated to signal his departure time decided to go off in rapid succession. Great. He was probably going to be late. Which would be one hour early if his sensei's habit of being late was taken into account. So… No problems.

XxXxX

It had taken one step. Just a single step. As soon as his foot touched the welcome-mat-wearing cement outside his home… It happened.

**Did you know you can summon the in-game menu at any time by saying «Game Menu»?**

"Gah!"

Naruto immediately fell into a defensive position, his hand dipping into his kunai pouch… Which was still on his dresser. He cursed. Vociferously. As he stepped out of his apartment once again (Kunai pouch conveniently strapped to his leg), the message finally clicked in his head.

"Wait… So all I do is say **«Game Menu»**?"

As soon as the words left his lips, he felt himself enveloped by more wonderful colors. Yep… The existence of undiscovered colors was officially confirmed. Interesting.

When the colors faded, Naruto found himself standing in the center of…. His bathroom. He blinked. Once. Twice. And finally, a third time. Yet the image of his darkened bathroom didn't fade away.

"The hell?"

While it was definitely his bathroom, the phrase **«Main Menu» **was gone. In its place was **«Game Menu».**

**«Game Menu»**

**[Characters]**

**[Inventory]**

**[Map]**

**[Missions]**

Wait… Character? What character?

_What the hell, let's do it._

His finger slid across the letter **"t",** before it melted away.

His vision was bombarded by more words. A lot of words. How did they even fit in his damn bathroom?

**«Character»**

**Naruto Uzumaki – Level 1**

**Title: FNG**

**Party: Team 7**

**Current Objective: Meet with team.**

**Chakra Capacity: 50**

**Chakra Control: 2**

**Experience Points: 0**

**«Attributes»**

**Physical**

**Strength: 1/5**

**Dexterity: 1 /5**

**Stamina: 3/5**

**Social**

**Charisma: 1/5**

**Manipulator: 1/5**

**Appearance: 1/5**

**Mental**

**Perception: 1/5**

**Intelligence: 1/5**

**Wits: 2/5**

**«Abilities»**

**Talents**

**Ninjutsu: 2/5**

**Dodge: 0/5**

**Subterfuge: 0/5**

**Skills**

**Marksmanship: 0/5**

**Taijututsu: 0/5**

**Stealth: 1/5**

**Knowledge**

**Genjutsu: 0/5**

**Rhetoric: 1/5**

**Studies: 0/5**

**Affinities**

**Shape Manipulation: 2/10**

**Chakra Molding: 0/10**

**Fuinjutsu: 0/10**

**Jutsu:**

**Kage Bunshin **

**Henge **

**Replacement **

**Traits:**

**Jinchuriki**

**Uzumaki Affinity**

**Perks: **

**Done?**

**Yes/No**

It occurred to him that what floated before him… Was his very being. That must've been it. This was Naruto Uzumaki laid out in text format. While he had difficulty interpreting what most of the lovely green script was trying to communicate, Naruto was able to understand two things from it.

He was one lucky sonovabitch.

And he had no idea what most of it meant.

The «**yes» **disappeared in a flurry of emerald wisps of energy as his hand pressed against it, before coming together again to form the previous menu. The three options were before him… So he picked **«Inventory».**

**«Inventory»**

**700 Ryo**

**Kunai – 5**

**Shuriken – 30**

**Cup Ramen – 2**

**Chopsticks – 2**

**Done?**

**Yes/No**

Naruto let out a groan. _Thanks «Inventory Menu», for showing me how broke I am._

The blonde flipped back to the root menu, and clicked «**Missions»**, ignoring the «**Map»** option with little concern… It was a map. He didn't really feel like reading a map.

**«Missions»**

**Current Missions: **

**None**

**Complete Missions:**

**Help Ryoga-san load his cart!**

**Random Encounters: **

**None**

**Special Events:**

**None**

**Done?**

**Yes/No**

Naruto closed the menu with a sigh, before spinning on his heels, aggravated that he had to leave his apartment for the second time that day. Hopefully he wouldn't be later than his sensei. That thought spurned his feet to move faster. He stepped through the bathroom door and-

At that particular moment, his body had promptly decided that it didn't want to live anymore and thrust itself from a great height. Or… At least three stories. All the shinobi training he'd had ingrained into his head seemed to fight to the surface as the ground came closer and closer. It was too bad he'd skipped the _What to do when falling from a three story building _portion of the curriculum… Along with 3/5ths of the entire curriculum. How did he pass again?

_Bend your knees!_ His nerves screamed over the rushing wind.

Briefly, he wondered if the Alien Script in his bathroom was the cause of such a horrible morning. Honestly, if that damn green

_Don't forget to roll! _His leg muscles decided to add their two cents.

A young woman leaning against a wooden post outside of a popular clothing store. In her hands was a catalogue slowly slipping from her grip. Her eyes were following his descent. The woman's mouth was stretched into a wide "O" as she screamed. Naruto waved at the nice looking woman, briefly wondering why she was so panicked…

_You're gonna die. _His brain helpfully supplied snapping him back to reality in an instant. Thanks brain, for being such a downer.

"HOLY FUCKING GRANDMOTHER OF THE YONDIA-" Naruto's larynx never had the chance to finish.

Brains, apparently, are unable to stay in their designated container upon the event of said container being shattered by pavement. The feeling of ones brains _shooting_ out of one's nostrils was not pleasant. Neither was the feeling of one's skull being ground to dust in an instant, come to think of it.

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

"FUCKING KAMI THAT HUUUUURT." he slid to his knees and cradled his now reformed head. Of course, Naruto didn't question _WHY _he was standing in his bathroom again. No, the day was too weird for that. He was being haunted by floating, green, translucent script that dictated his life. It was easily accepted that he wasn't dead. If he could hallucinate such pretty colors, hallucinating one's death wasn't a stretch.

But holy mother of Kami, it still hurt.

**«Game Over»**

"Right on queue." He muttered from his precious heap on the floor.

**«Main Menu»**

**New Game**

**Load Game**

"I don't have time for this…"

Naruto turned away from the words in his bathroom and bolted out the bathroom door-

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

**«Main Menu»**

**New Game**

**Load Game**

He ignored the words. He ran for his life ou-

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

Naruto dashed throu-

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He-

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

With-

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He was standing naked in his bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror.

"AGH! What do you want me to do, damnit! HELP ME OUT HERE!"

He was confused, angry, more than a little bit irritated, and feeling a bit of motion sickness.

**«Help?»**

"YES."

**Hi there! This is the Main Menu!**

"I know that." Naruto snapped at his newest nemesis. Who puts such a happy voice into this kind of situation? What kind of sick mind designed this torture?

**After receiving a «Game Over», your options are limited to «New Game» and «Load Game»! **

"Obviously." Wow. Apparently hallucinations effect one's vocabulary. He was relatively sure he hadn't used that word before.

**Choosing «New Game» will take you back to the character creation menu, while «Load Game» can take you back to a previous «Saved Game».**

Character… Creation?

He could think of nothing snide to say in reply.

A maniacal grin wormed its way to the surface of his face. Maybe, just maybe, he'd take a tiny peek… The chipper bastard said he could… _Load _a _saved_ _game_, right? He saved his _game_ earlier that morning. He sampled the newest words added to his speech with some hesitation... And he could swear his mouth was beginning to taste like bacon. He'd look into that later.

Now was the time to create a character. Whatever the hell that meant.

XxXxX

A/N:

12/14/13

Thanks Rathanel for being my current inspiration to write this. I was sitting on the couch, reading Ramen Days on my Kindle- Yes, I download a crap ton of fics to my kindle so I don't have to be online- and had the sudden urge to start writing… So I did.

Don't expect fast updates, either. _

Feedback is important to me, as I'm not writing this for me, as much as I'm writing this to entertain.

I want your opinions, thoughts, questions and flames.

Merry Christmas,

Koyan the Wanderer


End file.
